Reality: you are going to fight with your lover! Fight Fair!

Harsh reality: All relationships have conflict. All couples have their own way of having conflict. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of relationships. We tend to choose relationships that will help us grow as humans and heal parts of ourselves we never knew needed healing. When fighting becomes unmanageable, take some time to develop some ground rules with your lover.

Remember we chose the relationships we chose because we truly love and care for the individual. When fighting gets in the way, remember you chose this person. You chose this person to make you a better YOU and for you to make them a better THEM. Remember fighting has a purpose. We fight with our lovers because we both need to do some growing, some accepting and some forgiving. Ask yourself what you are being challenged to do.

Make a list of Fair Fighting rules Together

Here is list of Fair Fighting rules to get you started. Pick and chose which ones you need to help your relationship grow. Also if you have suggestions of rules to add to this list, send them our way!

1. Call each other out nicely - would you let someone else talk to your spouse the way you are talking to them? BE NICE.

2. Remember to always have respect

3. Be the Bigger Person - Someone has to step up and be the bigger person when the relationship is struggling. As you both get better at recognizing this, you will both alternate this role. However, in the beginning you might have to alternate this role.

4. Don't tell the person you love to "grow up." - This implies they are not capable

5. Don't tell the person you love to "shut up." - This implies you don't care about them, their thoughts, their feelings or have any respect for them. Go back to rule 2!

6. Understand that the person you love is really having a hard time and you signed up to be their for them! - Ask them what they need from you. Be CALM. Do not attack them.

7. Have compassion for their hurts.

8. Past transgressions keep the relationship stuck - We all say and do stupid things in the heat of the moment. Do not keep throwing these things in your lovers face in future heat of the moment moments! Talk about it outside of the fight if it is really bothering you and ask your partner to respect your feelings about how it is eating at you.

9. Don't ever tell the person you love that you are "going to kill them" - This statement causes PTSD and puts your lover on high alert always wondering "will they kill me this time?" Your lover should NEVER fear you!

10. Don't attack their abilities, appearance, career, job, ambitions or character - if you do, I'm sorry but you were wrong and they deserve an apology

11. Don't say things to be purposefully hurtful - again if you do, I'm sorry but you were wrong and they deserve an apology.

12. Don't invalidate their thoughts & feelings - Everyone has a right to their own thoughts and feelings, even if you don't like them. You and your lover do not have to have the same thoughts or feelings about anything, you just have to respect each others differences.

13. Don't intertwine your own emotions and thoughts with your lovers - See above

14. Be careful of your assumptions - Ask yourself is that what my lover really said or is that my interpretation of what they said? Ask them for clarification.

15. Believe that your lover has your best intentions at heart and they don't want you to hurt or to hurt you.

16. Respect that something is a big deal to them even if it's not a big deal to you - if it wasn't a big deal to them they wouldn't bring it up

17. Remember Men and Women are profoundly different from each other - That's why we balance each other and serve a valuable purpose in each others lives.

18. You can not make another person say or do something - Don't blame others for your choices.

19. Never use "always" or "never" - Nothing is that black and white

20. Don't call your lover names - One it's not respectful! Two name calling/insulting is a sign of someone who can not control their own anger and emotions

21. Threats of leaving or abandoning your lover = Big "NO NO!" - One you chose this person. You didn't chose them just to leave them. Two saying things like "I'm done with you!" or "I'm leaving!" damages your lovers trust. Ending a relationship is not something that should ever be discussed when angry. If you are going to end a relationship, end it with respect and dignity for yourself and the other person in the relationship.

22. Calling them "crazy" or saying "you need help" - This is a form of gaslighting and manipulation. The person saying this to their lover needs to step back and look at themselves.

23. Don't tell them "Get over it" - This invalidates your lovers emotions and tells them they are not important or you don't care.

24. Telling them they are too much or too needy - shames them and invalidates their emotions.

#relationships #Fairfighting #Relationshipsarehard